On loss, grief and my human experience...
Such high highs and low lows... We closed 2021 with a dream trip to Disney World for the children. It stimulated my imagination, made me feel like a kid again and sparked the possibility of life being a fairytale.Once the clock struck 2022 and we got back home things spiraled down. The first Monday of the new year was absolute hell. London our precious maltipoo had an unexpected health episode and had to be put down. It was a total shock. He was literally perfect before... no warning signs. His body started shutting down and we had to make an impossible decision at the vet to let him go. I was just so so so devastated and broken. There were many parallels losing him to losing my mother and it just re-triggered the trauma of loss and grief. He was only nine and a half years old and so vibrant which made it seem like he had many years left to share with us. When we cannot accept or face the truth and harsh new realities we are in dissonance with life. That is a very toxic and frustrating mental space to live in. Anyone who has known me over the last decade of my adult life knows that London was one of my truest soulmates. He was my bright spot in life. I was just so proud of him and in constant adoration no matter how rambunctious or feisty he could be. I carried him around or walked with him as my badge of courage. Lundi was my ultimate companion a true integrated part of our family. He came everywhere with me... to work, on errands, dr appts, even to pick up the kids at school. Having a pet is one the most intimate relationship experiences in this life. He joined our family right after I got married, he brought me pure joy after grief, he started my business with me, was with me to welcome home my children and was integrated into our family dynamic. He was literally the light of my life. He adored everyone and was just such a lover. He lit up the room and make his presence known. He was no wallflower. He demanded attention and affection and charmed his way to everyones heart. He was bold and insistent on having his needs met, he was the master of our home and office. London was my master healer and truly a g-d send in my life. My dad asked me if someone told you 10 years ago that this dog would be sent to you for a short period, to pull you out of grief, to bring you joy, teach you unconditional love, give you confidence, make you more playful - would you take it? Maybe his job was done? It is so hard to accept loss and finality... I just feel so empty, broken, devastated and hopeless. Yet I come back to gratitude for all that he was and all that he did. What he gave me in less than 10 years was more than people can receive in an entire life time. Losing my mother almost 13 years ago makes me no stranger to tragic unexpected heart wrenching loss... it doesn't make it easier. We are never prepared. What unresolved emotions do I carry that are now showing themselves again? The manner in which my mom and london left this world was due to organ shut down ultimately and fluid around the heart. How could the same words be muttered to me all these years later... their body is shutting down... there is nothing we can do... The heart region energetically represents love, compassion, expansiveness, and the infinite part of ourselves. There is so much wisdom and so many lessons teaching me to feel ever so deeply with every fiber of my being. I have been humbled and overwhelmed with the amount of support in my life and how far I have come on my journey. London left me in great hands with my family, friends, community and business. Sarah at our office works with tarot cards and has special psychic and medium abilities. London came through to her. His messages were very healing to me and I felt a big sense of relief and weight lifted after hearing her reading. He came to her being held by my mom and the protective energy was just palpable. He is my guiding star and forever shining light and will lead me where I need to go. He apologized for leaving so suddenly but it was just his time. After a few days I was so weakened by the grief my week was a blur and my defenses were down. Then I came down with c o v i d. I am a big believer in the mind body connection and lowering our immune system by our thoughts and emotional state. Getting the positive result immediately brought me back to my body to face the healing ahead. It forced me to be locked down at home and address my grief and mourn the loss by essentially sitting shiva. My whole family was home and we were back to quarantine bliss... Lots of art, baking and restorative wellness. I was lucky to have no symptoms it was more mental to know I can't leave and have to take care of myself. I healed through creative outlets and movement. I went on my spin bike, practiced yoga, did breath work, took hot baths and cold showers and nourished myself with love. Two messages in particular that I got of condolences have managed to be resonant aha moments and spark so much thought and progress within me. I will share them and hope that anyone who has faced loss of any kind may be inspired... The first was from the Brilliant John Beaulieu - our sound healing scientist. "Remember that loss and grieving are a part of living and therefore there we seek to have an affirming relationship with grief and loss. You will be grieving the loss of your doggie for the rest of your life and how could you not. The level of shock and the emptiness that comes with loss will lessen and your life will reform however grief is always there because we care. And if you have a good relationship with grief there is nothing to fear and consider it a part of your wellness. " Just amazing the concept of having a relationship to grief was mind blowing.... The second was my wiser than her years cousin Viva. "Arriiiannnnaaa… :( it’s really when it rains it pours … if anyone can find the way to grow from this it’s you. Most reflective person I know which means you are constantly evolving and rejuvenating…(and then inspiring those around you with what you've learned!) I always believed we should take from nature and hibernate like animals do.. or fly south! Lol I think they are onto something;) I hope you’re feeling ok, and maybe it’s just the world giving you a minute to reflect and regroup after a very difficult time. I know you will emerge stronger and wiser and I can’t wait to hear what seeds you’ve watered… you already have strong roots and roots will find a way to grow through anything!!! I Love you and I am thinking of you a lot!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️" I was so taken by the notion of roots being able to grow through anything, even the hardest of things... It provided so much food for thought. Viva was on a trip in Mexico and sent me this photo below and wrote "case in point!". The visual reference was so healing. The brand has become a platform to share my human experience. Having lost my first pet and getting c o v i d have definitely made me feel humbled. I just surrendered to the universe and am trusting the world order. Sending positive energy your way, Ariana
Precious moments and memories... London was such an integral part of the ariana ost brand and was our office mascot.
Art is cathartic - Aurelie and I have been painting Lundi our forever muse!